Excerpts from Malachi's Journal *HF*
By Gene
***
Got a visit from Gomurr at the house today. His usual thing, posing as someone else so he can check up on me away from the Club. Who does he think he's fooling? I always play along with it, but c'mon, the dude doesn't even change his voice. I've got these powers the Club is trying to help me use, except no one really knows how much they can do, so it's like people are almost afraid of me. Like they want to help me learn, but they don't want to try too hard because they're afraid of bringing up too much too soon or something. I don't know what the big deal is. It's just so stupid, though. THese guys in the HEllfire Club are supposed to be so smart and so powerful, they're pulling the strings of the world, but they can be so dumb. Every time Gomurr casts an illusion around himself, I can see right through it. He must think I'm four years old.
****August***
Big trouble at the club today. Teacher Gene beat Gomurr's ass, from what I heard. They had some kind of duel over the class and Gomurr laid in to Gene, but Gene cheated and beat him, almost killed him. Unbelievable. Gomurr WAS being a dick, but I think there's something in him. Something's not right. Teacher Gene is lucky he wasn't killed. Now Grover took the kid's class away from Gomurr and put Gene in charge of both classes, but Gene's in trouble, too. I don't know why Gene joined the club. He seems to like teaching us, and he hangs out in the library and stuff all the time, but he doesn't give a shit about the rules or the other members or anything. He pretty much tells them all to fuck off. I'm not sure if I think he's an asshole or if he's cool. I like his class, though. I can do the splits, now, and he's teaching me a two-man tai chi straight sword form.
Man, the Chinese are nasty. They don't try to chop or stab in sword fights. They go for your thumb and tendons and stuff so you can't even hold your sword, then they kill you by stabbing your kidneys and things. Sick.
***September***
Teacher Gene has hooked up with that lady Alice from up in Grover's office. She was just engaged a month or so ago, but she caught the guy cheating on her. Looks like Teacher Gene didn't waste any time. Everyone knows he wanted her all along. Some of the other guys say Alice is hot, but I don't get it. I mean, I can kinda see it, but she just doesn't do it for me. A few girls in class are okay, but nothing special. And I'm kinda into Toby, the Queen's Assasin, but I don't think she likes me.
***
The World Trade Center was hit by terrorists today and crashed to the ground. They flew planes into it. Another plane flew into the Pentagon, and another one was supposed to go somewhere, but the passengers fought back and it crashed in Pennsylvania.
Everyone here is freaking out. Everyone everywhere. Out there they say it's Osama bin Laden. In here they say it's Illuminati. I don't know. I just feel weird. I know something else happened, I just don't know what it is. Like I lost something, or I should be somewhere but forgot.
***
Holy crap. I was walking by the Training Room today, seeing if I could sign on for some time to practice my kung fu. I peeked in the window, and Teacher Gene was in there with Grover and Gomurr, blasting shit out of his hands, blowing up practically the whole room. The other two could barely stay out of the way. Since when can he do this? I thought he was just a normal dude.
***October***
Teacher Gene's gone again. His old girlfriend (he says she's a friend, but c'mon, it's obvious), Joi Lin took over the class. She's okay. Kind of a different teacher from him. Quieter. I haven't figured her out yet. But she has a nice ass. REally nice. I keep staring at it all the time. And she always wears these Chinese pants in class that sit on her ass just right. Oh my God. Sometimes I want to just walk up in front of the class and make out with her right there. She's too old to go out with me, but man is she hot. She even smells good. One chick in the class, Karen, she's kinda hot and I've seen her looking at me. She has this brownish hair and green eyes and a nice smile and all, but when you get close enough to talk to her, she smells. I don't know if she's a hippie or whatever, maybe she uses natural soap or washes in oats or something, but the chick smells like clay. It's disgusting.
***November***
Teacher Gene came back today. He was in Afghanistan all that time. I thought I saw him once, on TV. They had some footage of the war, and there was this big gold flash. The news guys said it was a phosphorus flare, but it looked just like when I saw Gene firing stuff off in the training room, and flares shoot up, not down.
Anyway, he came back today. Looks pretty messed up. He taught class, but he was different, like he was just going through the motions and not really there. I wonder what happened to him.
***
This is nuts. Nuts. How did I not know? Gene and Alice came to the house today. They were in Kentucky or something with her family for Thanksgiving. Turns out they're my parents. How did I not know? I know almost everything that's going on around me, even when people try to hide it from me. How did I not know, when he's been teaching me for months and she's been around the club since I was a little kid? What the fuck?
But it makes sense. She says she had me when she was just a bit older than me, and Gene didn't even know about me, he had to go back home to Milwaukee. Alice just told Gene that she'd had a baby, and Gene found out where and who I was. Now they want to be my parents because they're all tight and want to do the whole family thing. It's so fucked up. But I said okay. Now we're in her house in New York. Nice house. I have my own room and everything. It seems weird, but it's not.
I always knew my real parents would come find me. Every foster kid says that. It's their fantasy. But I knew. I just didn't know who they were. The fosters took care of me all right, so I had no complaints and didn't say anything, but I knew. And here they were. Why didn't I know who they were?
***
Gene came to me today and told me the real truth. He said he thought I should know, because he was adopted and didn't like being lied to about that kind of stuff. He's not my real dad. Well, he is, but he's not. It's so fucked up. Shaman's my real dad. The guy's a dick, everyone knows it. THe stuff he's doing to Mufasa is so fucked up.
Gene is SHaman. Or will be. Or not. Maybe. Anyway, Shaman used to be Gene, so they're the same guy, in different points of time. Gene had no idea about me, or about Mom with Shaman. But now he wants to stand up and be the dad Shaman never could be. I'm glad. I'd rather have him any day. THat Shaman is a real shithead. He's like a used car salesman or something. Always being nice to your face and telling you what you want to hear, but fucking you over all the way. And he's the same as Gomurr and the other Magicians. Not as smart as he thinks he is. Dick.
Hm. Maybe I didn't know who my real parents were because I wasn't supposed to know yet. Maybe SHaman did something to fuck with my powers, some spell or something, to make sure I didn't know until they wanted me to. Dick.
***December***
Haven't written for a while. Had nothing to say. Pretty pissed off. FInally got a real family, finally have a last name and a history, and my dad gets sent off on some fucked-up mission. HAven't seen him much at all. He stops by on weekends or once during the week, hardly says hello, and he's gone again. Fucking Grover. Just sent him to fucking Siberia and now he's off again. Now we've got the blue dude and Gomurr teaching our class. Gomurr's not so bad. Grover sucks as a teacher. Always wears those fucking tights. Makes him look like Faggy Smurf. Mom's pissed, too, but she doesn't say it.
She got a call from her mom for Christmas. I don't think they know about me, yet. Didn't mention me at all. Good. I have nothing to say to them and don't ever want to see them. From what I hear, Mom's family is a bunch of assholes, too. Seeing them would make me want to knock them down and piss on their faces. Maybe fly up and shit on their whole house. Wonder if you could tell after I did.
I miss my dad.
***January***
Dad is posessed. Something's in his leg. Christian said it today. I knew something was up, but couldn't tell what. Christian knew. Now the Club's going after him. I really don't know how it will go. THey might get him. He might kill them all. I bet he could. They never think things through. THey think he's nothing because he has no powers. He could get every one of them, one way or another. I'm sure of it. I know I could, too.
***
They wanted me to help stop Dad today. Shaman came in with Gomurr and the others. Shaman was all beat to hell. Looks like Dad did it. He always goes for the joints. CAn't blame him. THey're easy shots. Great for a takedown. Anyway, they hooked up me and Christian like some kind of battery for Shaman and Gomurr. It was freaky. I've never felt so in touch with my power. And Shaman wasn't pissing me off. It was almost good to have him around. Maybe he's changed.
They didn't get him. Dad, or this thing in him, beat half the club. Made them look like fools. Beat Mufasa and Echo and Scrib, plus Rune and Strider. Blew Rune up and almost killed Strider. They don't take him seriously. Don't know if they'll get another chance.
I can feel that thing in Dad. LIke a big shadow coming over him. He's trying to hide the ring from it, trying to fight it. I can feel his fear. C'mon, Dad, fight it!
***February***
He's home. Dad's finally home. He even managed to beat DIablo, but Gomurr and Shaman finally stopped Dad, with help from Master Pan and some chick named CHastity. Man, she's fucking hot. She was wearing a red leather outfit today. Looks like she was built out of pure sex. Dad took her down, too, but they finally got him and helped him. I'm glad. So glad he's home. And that thing isn't in him anymore. My real dad is home.
***
Not much time to write. THe Club suspended dad from field duty. So we're going to Ancient China instead, to learn at the Shao Lin Temple. Only got time to pack. Dad says I shouldn't bring my journal, because someone might see me using it and think something was wrong with us. We're supposed to only be in period clothes and stuff. Whatever. I'm going to learn to kick ass! Bet the food sucks.
***
Still in China. I've started the journal again. Pan showed me how to read and write Chinese. It's not too hard. Mom has a hard time with it, but it's pretty easy for me.
Been here 4 months. They work our ass off. Food sucks, but we're so hungy, I'm glad to have it. The joke is true. I think Chinese kids' eyes are narrow because at dinner everyday, they make a face and cry and say, "No Mom, not rice again!"
***
Haven't written much this year. In fact, looks like this is it. Don't really have time. Work out all the time. The temple keeps us busy. We do as much housekeeping as we do practicing. It's nuts. All the weapons we use used to be farm equipment. And you have to be special - an advanced student - to learn swords or real weapons. They're forbidden to most people. Dad and Pan and Shaman and Gomurr get to use them, but Mom and I don't. Most of them think Mom's a guy, by the way, thanks to Shaman. Women can't train at the Temple, but none of us would have come without her.
Haven't scored with any hotties here. That's forbidden too, at least for now. Some students try to sneak off to find village girls, but they pay for it. One kid was beat so bad he couldn't walk. I'll skip that for now and stick to choking my bone. Have to find time to do that, though. It's like I'm never really alone here. There's so many people and our rooms are so small. Doesn't seem to bother Gomurr. Every day he casts an illusion to make it look like he's sweeping, then he goes to the window and jerks his meat while watching village girls work outside. Same corner, same window, same time every day. It really stinks over there now. Doesn't he think Shaman at least could see him? So gross.
***
We're leaving the Temple tomorrow. Mom and Dad are getting married. In Scotland of all places. Turns out Mom is Scottish. They've set things up with some church in Edinburgh, and it all takes place tomorrow. I'm supposed to be the best man. Not much of a surprise there. Kind of gay, really, but I'd rather get asked and do it than not get asked and have to watch. I don't know. Maybe it's kind of cool. It's just so weird, being at your own parents wedding. I wonder if this is how white trash feels. Maybe not. THen it would be going to the wedding where your Mom marries your grandpa or uncle or something, and at the reception you propose to your cousin, who also was your mom until the DNA tests came through.
I have to wear a kilt. I wanted to wear my Temple uniform, but Mom said no. She said it would spoil her wedding. I don't see how. We'll already be in a church that smells like manure and all the guys will be wearing kilts.
***
Mom and Dad left today, right after the wedding. It was pretty cool. Shaman looked upset, but was hiding it. Now we're heading back to the Temple for a while while Mom and Dad settle in some cottage in the Highlands. I don't even want to think about what they're doing.
***
I'm in Scotland again, with Mom and Dad. They gave me my own house, made out of dirt. Gee, thanks. Wood floor, at least, but the fucking house is made out of dirt. So is theirs. I keep expecting some worm or bug or rat or something to come burrowing from the walls or ceiling, it's so stupid. At least I can write in English now. Almost forgot how.
They set me up with this gay shepherding job with the neighbor down the way. I already hate it. But there's nothing else to do, so might as well.
I can hear them making out at night, all the way in the other house. They try to be quiet, which is pretty ridiculous, because it never works. They always get loud again toward the end. Makes me want to open my door and say, "Hey Mom! Watcha doing? Fucking? Don't mind me, I'll just watch TV! Oh wait, we don't have one, it's not invented yet!"
Why are we here?
***
There's something really wrong with that McConnell guy. HE keeps staring at me. I'd think he was gay, but it's not like he's touching himself or anything, he just stares at me when I work, and looks at me funny when I get there and when I go home. Freak. I told Mom and Dad about it. They said I can quit.
***
They're Illuminati. The whole Clan was a bunch of Illuminati, and they wanted me and Mom and Dad to join. I can't believe what went down. I'm shaking right now. I may be scared of my father. Or of me. Or both. Why can't we be normal? Why can't I be at school? I can't believe I said that.
They came to talk to us and we went over to their Castle-thing.
We had just got back from Spain, where Dad took us so he could get a decent sword. He knew they'd be fucking with us, so he wanted to be ready for some killing I guess. I picked up a kick-ass red velvet suit thing down there and actually scored, too. Mom said I looked like a pimp in it and Dad hated it, too. But the girl at the market liked it fine, and I finally did it, right there in an alley behind an orange cart. After all that time in the Temple and everything else, I finally scored. I'm a man. Wow. I barely care, though, with all the rest of the shit that went on.
The McConnell guys took us back to their Keep and all this shit goes on. They took Dad, but Mom and I got away. We made it most of the way back to the House, but then they shot something at us and when I woke up we're back at the Keep and I'm in some kind of field that keeps me from using my powers.
Their head guy - Dad called him the CArdinal - he was about to brand Mom. But Dad got loose and starts killing everyone in the Castle. I could feel him when he did it. Never felt anything like it in my life, even when Dad was possessed. It was like he had a fever or something. He was like an animal. I could almost see through his eyes. I set up a tracking rapport between him and Mom and me in Spain, but I didn't really need it. I usually know what's going on with them, for the most part, especially if it's bad or intense. If I think about it, I usually know exactly where they are.
The Cardinal didn't like him being out. He was afraid. So he took off. The guy thought Dad was SHaman for some reason. Easy mistake to make I guess. Maybe that's why he was afraid.
Dad shows up covered in blood, naked from head to toe. He's burned and cut up and shot and just pissed out of his fucking mind. He told me once that when he was younger, his dad pissed him off at the dinner table one night and that his mom said she could actually smell the anger coming off of him. That's what it was like in the Keep. The whole fucking room smelled like kerosene. If there were 100 people in that room right then, they all would probably have shit their pants or fainted at the sight of him. And he might have torn them all to pieces.
I don't know if he knew who we were when he came in there. Mom and I both thought he would kill us, too. Mom was all chained up to this board and we thought he'd kill her. He was just on automatic or something, killing everything he saw. He let out this howl that was like nothing I'd ever heard. I would have pissed my pants, but I didn't have any water all day.
These two guards came in and they were dead before they made it 4 steps. Dad chucked an ax at one, then beat the other guy down and bit his throat out. It was insane. I trained with Dad for two years in the Temple, plus the time at the Club. I've seen him fight. I've never seen shit like that.
He came out of it, though, and set Mom free. It was really hard for him to talk, like he was just waking up. When I looked at his hands, I saw the skin was totally peeled off of one of them, like on that guy from Hellraiser. He told us to run as soon as I was free, then he
ran off to get the Cardinal and the rest of them.
A few minutes later, I was free. Mom and I decided to stay to help him, not run like he said. But there was nothing for us to do. He killed everyone. I could still feel him. He was back in his own head, not savage like before, but he was just pure...death, I guess. It really scared me. And I could feel that he liked killing them. He wanted them to suffer. THey hurt him, they jurt me and Mom, and he watned them to hurt forever because of it. That was the only thing really in his mind. Make them hurt forever.
Feeling that from him was scary. But what also bugs me was that I understood. As much as he scares me. Scared me. I understood. I could feel the rage in me, too. Like fire inside my teeth and bones, dying to get out. Maybe I was just feeling what he was feeling. I hope I'm not like that. But maybe I am.
It's a good thing Mom and I stayed. Dad was in bad shape after fighting the Cardinal and would have died if he was there alone, but we took him home to the mud house. Mom helped me summon SHaman, then, figuring that with all the time travelling he does, he'd be in the world somewhere. She was right. He came and healed Dad. Dad's asleep now. Shaman's staying until Dad wakes up. Mom wants me to stay in their house tonight. I think I will. I just keep seeing Dad's eyes as he bit that guy's throat out. I don't think I can sleep.
***
Dad's better. Shaman's gone. He went to make sure the KEep was cleared out. Probably destroying or altering evidence of what went on. When he and Mom came back from the Keep, I heard them talking. Shaman said something about them having ties to the Scottish Rite and the Masons. Said he always knew there was a link somewhere, but hadn't ever found it. Sounded excited about it in a weird way. I don't think Mom cared. She's pretty shaken up.
I'm thinking of leaving, going back to 2002. Mom and DAd said I could, but they're staying for a little while. I don't know. After what happened, I'm not sure I want to stay. But it's quiet here. And I like our outhouse. Makes me laugh every time I pee. When we go, Dad and I set it up that whatever goes down there ends up in Buckingham Palace. I eat more now just so I can crap more often. Mom said the whole thing is gross, but I think she thinks it's funny, too.
***
It's been six months. We're all going home tomorrow. Mom and Dad say they'll miss the place, but that it's time to go back. I think I'll miss it, too. Even the dirt.
Mom helped me pack. She tried to get me to leave my red velvet suit from Spain here by tucking it in a corner where I wouldn't see it, but I didn't forget it. That sucker's coming home with me!
***
HOME AGAIN!
***June 2002***
I haven't written in this thing in so long. Dad says he's never really kept a journal, even when he had to for school. He says he doesn't see the point - it seems like work to him, and no one else is supposed to read it, so why bother?
I can see that, but a lot of times, the journal has helped me think things out. Now I don't know if I need it, though. It's like, why bother? I was there. Kind of like pictures. I take them, same as anybody else, but I almost never look at them. I was there.
***
Went to Washington DC with Mom today. She had a business meeting in Gaithersburg, MD and she said there'd be time to hang out if I wanted. We saw the Library of Congress, then went to eat in Georgetown before going to see the monuments.
Funny thing happened. We're leaving the restaurant in Georgetown and this guy runs by, grabs Mom's purse, and runs down this alley. I book after him, knock him down, grab the purse, and punch him in the ear, so he'll stay down. The guy screams and rolls over, so I smack him again.
Mom comes running up and gets this look on her face. The guy looks at her and screams. He says, "Not you! Goddamn it! You got my other ear!"
The guy starts to get up and Mom tells me to let him go. Turns out the guy tried grabbing her purse a year ago, on the day she and Dad first met. And that's when Dad jumped the guy and punched him in the other ear, breaking his ear drum. Now I did the same thing. You feel bad for the guy because now he's going to be completely deaf, but shit, he should have learned not to snatch purses the first time he got his ass beat.
When he got away, Mom started to laugh. She said she had no idea how much I was like my father. She had a smile for the rest of the day. I think she's proud of me.
END
Gene
Original and Longest-Running Editor
White Bastard/White King's Pawn--HellFire Club
Knight of the Long-Necked Bottle
Forbidden by Law to Eat Onion Rings
Selectively Sterile
Wielder of Unbridled Contempt for Humanity
Clearest Colon this side of the Milky Way
Owner of the Coolest Snow-globe in History
No, I don't smell anything *grin*... except my hands.
Don't light a match!!!