of a *HF* story
By MarvelGirl
This is a repost of a very stupid and kinda funny *HF* story I wrote like, a year ago.... at two in the morning.... ENJOY, KIDDIES!!!!
It was quiet on the XMBB front... all the usual things were going on... Dark Claw, Dark Wolf, and Maul were watching wrestling and drinking beer on the couch, Marvel Girl was in her chair sleeping - a folder of scribbled semi-finished violin music and a pencil in her lap, Blackfire was eating ice cream in the kitchen, Loki was.... well, we don't know and don't really wanna know. Everyone else was doing their own thing around the mansion, and it was extremely dull.
"It's amazin' how MG can sleep through anything," Dark Claw mused. "I mean, this stuff would wake the dead! Wooo.. the Undertaker!!!"
"Yeah, sure..." DW said, not really paying attention.
"YEAH, BRING OUT THAT HO TRAIN!!!!" Maul yelled. MG stirred.
"Shaddup, Maul..." DC warned. "Wake her up, and it's yer funeral..."
"Yeah yeah, whatever...PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY!!!!"
*SNIKT*
"Shutting up now.."
"TinaTinaTinaTinaTina" A doppler effect of Tinas started down the stairs.
"Oh brother...good lord take me now.." DW sighed.
The Tina's stopped behind Wolf, and Storm!'s hand met the back of his head... harshly.
"Well poo on you!!! Don't you knock the queen of rock!!!"
"*sigh* sorry. Didn't mean to... but haven't they gotten you for stalking yet?"
"You steppin' up, buddy?? Wanna take this outside???"
"Not particularly. It's almost midnight. And I think a storm is comin' on." DW pointed at the skylight. "See? Chill out, oh PMS princess."
"Oh yeah? OH YEAH? WELL WRESTLING'S FAKE!!"
DarkWolf stood up sharply and spun to face Storm!. "What...did... you... say???"
"Euuww... someone's been heavy on the brewskis... lemme say this slower so that you can understand... WRESTLING... IS.... FFFAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKEEEE...."
"YEAH, WELL.. TINA SUCKS!!!"
The shouting match got louder as Dark Claw stepped in.
"Look you two!!! You two had better shut up now or I get nasty!! My wife is trying to sleep over there, and I don't think ya wanna get her cranky... 'member when Loki broke her lamp?"
Storm! and DW then turned on DC.
"Stay outta this, pal! This is between me and the Turner freak!!"
"Yeah, this is... hey!!!" Storm! shoved DW. DW shoved back. This continued until DC stepped in between them. At that moment, they stopped shoving each other, and simultaneously shoved Dark Claw... right into Marvel Girl's string bass.
<< CRACK, SNAP, PING, CRASH >>
DC groaned. "No good shall come of this..."
DW and Storm! walked over and helped him up.
"Think MG woke up?" Storm! asked.
Dark Claw's eyes grew wide as a large flame flared up behind Storm! and DW.
"EVERY SINGLE TIME I TRY TO SLEEP, I GET WOKEN UP BY SOMETHING OR ANOTHER. THIS TIME, IT WAS MY BASS GETTING SMASHED. CAN I GET NO PEACE???" MG fumed.
"I'll take that as a yes..."
"Um... is she pissed, Claw?" DW asked.
"Nope... I've seen her pissed... this is way, way beyond pissed. Jeannie... hun..."
"DON'T YOU 'HUN' ME.... I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!"
The trio didn't even get a chance to blink before a wave of telekinesis swept DW and Storm! through the back windows and into the pool, and Dark Claw was flung unconscious back onto the couch, where Maul was still shouting "ho's ho's ho's!".
Marvel Girl telekinetically knocked Maul out, turned the TV and the lights off, and then picked up a blanket and covered DC.
"Sorry 'bout that, Logan... but I was nice to ya because you are my husband and tried to keep 'em quiet." MG kissed his nose. "I'm off to bed. 'Night, hon... and don't stay up to late, k?"
DC snored in response.
MG sighed. --one of these days I'm gonna go postal on this place... permanently.--
===out in the pool===
DW helped Storm! out of the pool, and they collapsed on the concrete.
"We gotta stop pissing her off," Storm! said.
"Well that's a duh..."
*CRACK!!! BOOOOOOOOMM!!! RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE*
Lightning lit the sky and the thunder seemed to come for all over.
"Hey, what was that??" Wolf snapped up.
"Ugh... I hate storms if I don't cause them... what was what?"
"There was a shadow on the roof...I think..."
"You? Think? That's a first...."
"Oh, evolve."
"ooh.. a two syllable word."
"shaddup."
==Inside==
MG started up the stairs, when suddenly...
*CRASH!! TINKLE!!*
She turned sharply to the skylight, where a caped figure was falling and then hitting the ground.
"ow, that frickin' hurt..." a female voice groaned.
"Who's there? I'm warning you, I don't take lightly to trespassers..."
"I am the underdog! I am middle class!" The girl calamored to her feet in the dark, throwing her cape off of her head.
--What the fu-- MG thought..
"I am statistically stable! I am the person on the street! You have hurt innocent people! I am the one that will see you will get a normal amount of time in a jail cell and a trial by jury, but it will only result in your 15 minutes of infamy, then your story will be lost forever in obscurity!!" She had an edge of mock-authority in her voice, and as another bolt of lightning flashed in the broken windows behind the figure, MG could see a silhoutte of a classic pose of a person standing in a wide stance with her hands on her hips, head held high.
MG flicked on the lights.
"I AM AVERAGE JO!!!" There stood a 5'4" blonde haired blue eyed woman dressed in blue jeans and a white t-shirt, a blanket tied around her neck.
Marvel Girl stared for a moment, then started laughing her ass off."And what is so funny?"
"you..hhaaaahaaahaaaaaaaa!!!! have a.... heehehehaaaa!!! blanket...an'..."
"The average person doesn't have a cape, the average person owns a blanket!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!... oh man... this is good..." MG started walking towards the couch. "Gotta tell this.. hee heeh eeee.. to Logan..."
"HALT! Where are you going??"
"Gonna wake up...hhahahahahaaa!!... my...hee hee!... husband..."
"Husband? So you're a spouse abuser as well? You shall pay!!"
MG reached the couch and shook Logan.
"Hey handsome.. ya gotta wake up for this... this is tooooooo funny!!!"
DC groaned and woke up, rolling over to see what MG was talking about.
"Hon, meet Average Jo! She's gonna arrest me!!"
Dark Claw stared for a moment... then started laughing his ass off.
At this point, Storm! and DW had come in from the pool, soaking wet, and about half the XMBB had started to come downstairs 'cause of the din.
Average Jo looked around and lifted an eyebrow. "I will need help! I shall call my sidekick, the Cliche Kid!!" She whistled a bird call, and a young kid in a blue leotard, white tights, little elf boot-type shoes, a mask, a cape, and those gloves that are form fitting to the hand, then come out to a wide conic type shape flew down onto the floor. He couldn't have been more than 12 years old.
"Never fear, Cliche Kid is here!"
During this production, Marvel Girl telepathically told the rest of the group what had happened. A barrage of giggles and snickers emerged.
Cyclops stood at the foot of the stairs. "You're who?"
"I'm the Cliche Kid! Sidekick to Average Jo! I will be her sidekick until I either am shot up or reach the age where I feel that Jo is treating me like a child, and I shall don a new costume and go out on my own forever feeling torn between our friendship and my resentment towards her! I also promote peace and harmony and tour grade schools teaching them the importance of dental hygene!!!!!!"
"So lemme get this straight," Byron said. "Just because MG put those two in a pool, and knocked her husband out, that makes ya want to arrest her?? Dang, that's an everyday occurance here!! We're lucky she didn't kill them then bring them back to life! I mean, look at her...."
MG and DC were still laughing, MG's head on Claw's shoulder. She was in tears.
"ooooh man, I needed that...." MG giggled.
Mufasa walked up to Jo.
"So, what are your powers?"
"I don't have any. The average person doesn't have powers!"
Mufasa stared blankly. "... so why the super hero-ey shtuff?"
"I will tell you after the chapter change."
"Chapter change? What chapter change? What are you talking abou..."
CHAPTER 2... THE ORIGIN OF AVERAGE JO!
".......oh....kay..."
Everyone in the room sat down on the various couches and chairs in the lounge, and Maul (who MG woke up after much persuading from her husband) walked into the kitchen and walked out with huge bowls of popcorn. He handed a bowl to MG cautiously. "With lotsa butter, MG... just the way ya like it... heh..." Jean took the bowl, leaned up against Dark Claw, and muttered something about strangling Maul with a bass string.
Jo sat herself in MG's high back purple velour chair, to which MG started to say something, but Claw put his hand over her mouth and held her back.
The Cliche Kid sat next to Skippy, who gave the kid a smirk.
Jo sat slumped in the chair, her head dramatically placed in her hand. She looked up with a sort of wistfulness about her.
"My name is Josephine Jane Doe Smith, and I was born unlike other children. My parents were different, and I was always teased as a child about my family's 'abnormality'."
Blackfire snorted. "This sounds like a badly written comic book."
Jo shot her a disapproving look, then returned to her story.
"I longed to be like the other children, but alas, it was not to be. When I reached the age of 18, and was finally out on my own, I made it my personal mission to become just like the average person. For hours and days I toiled in the Library of Congress looking up statistics and facts and figures on everyone. I wanted to know what the polls said the average person did and wore and owned."
"Hence de raid on de GAP and the Bed and Bath section of JC Penny..." Outburst grinned. A few giggled.
Blaze raised his hand. "Hey, Jo, did ya know that the most common name on the planet is Mohammed? Doesn't that mean ya gotta change votre nom?" Half the crowd laughed.
Jo seemed to ignore it and moved on.
"I found the Cliche Kid in an abandoned alley while he was a child. He was a basic street rat, his parents killed by gangsters, I took him in and raised him as my ward."
Jo seemed to drone on and on explaining her secret headquarters (a two bedroom apartment in Queens), her hi-tech vehicle (an '88 Buick that had definetly seen better days), and many many more boring facts about her average life, like her husband (who naturally was having an affair), and her 2.5 kids ("But how...?" DW started to ask, but Jo interrupted "Let's just say... it was messy...").
By the time she was finished, it was 2 o'clock in the morning, and Jo hadn't realized she lost half her audience during her stint with chicken pox in the fourth grade, and half of the remaining lot when she was a senior in high school and was proud of her C average.
Mufasa, one of the remaining concious, drowsily asked Jo if she wanted to stay the night, to which she agreed, under the condition that she was not to be disturbed until she had a full eight hours sleep. "Whatever." Muffy said and lead her to a guest room.
Everyone else woke up (tho not willingly) and went to their respective rooms. In their weariness, however, nobody noticed that the Cliche Kid and Skippy seemed to have wandered off....
Chapter 3... the NEXT DAY!!!
To nobody's surprise, Average Jo woke up at 10:17 exactly, 8 hrs from falling asleep. She walked into the kitchen and helped herself to a bowl of corn flakes, not noticing Byron sitting at the island.
"Y'know, Jo... the average person would ask before raiding their hosts' kitchen...
Jo seemed to ignore her comment.
"And you can raid whenever you wish?"
"Uh, yah.. I LIVE here... I may not pay rent but I put in grocery money, so the food is mine. "
Jo was about to refute this when Dark Claw and Marvel Girl walked in.
MG's hair was put up in an elaborate 'do, filled with bobby pins and shining with hair spray, and her hands seemed to be protecting it.
"Honestly, Jeannie... is this really necessary?"
"Absolutely, Wolvie... I gotta do this..."
Logan sighed. "Alright hun.. *kotc* You look stunning..."
Jean turned to him to say something lovey-dovey when they were interrupted by Jo clearing her throat.
"You do realize that over 58% of marriages end in divorce, and the number is steadily on the rise, so the chances of this union lasting is very slim...and especially since Ms. Jean was married once.. second marriages almost never last..." She walked over to Jean, laying a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, you two looked so happy together, too..."
MG nearly burst into tears as she bolted out of the room.
Dark Claw turned to Jo. "If only you weren't a female..." he said as he turned on his heel and out the door.
But no, my friends, Jo didn't stop here...
Mufasa, Blaze, Outburst, and Blackfire were sitting in a corner of the back porch playing poker (and one would notice that the Cajuns' chip piles seemed to be a bit higher than the other two's). Jo watched for a moment, then started circling the table as a vulture would a carcass. She stopped short behind Blaze, and studied his cards.
"Hmmmm... you do know that in the average game of poker, one usually would not come across a hand that consisted of a royal flush in the same suit..." Everyone threw their cards down in digust. "Aw! Merde!" You ruined the game!" "What d'hell?" "Aw, come on!!!"
Jo just acted as if nothing happened. "I actually have come to ask a question... have any of you seen my sidekick? I had not seen him since last night."
"Nope."
"Non."
"Nuh-uh."
"No, and good riddance."
"Hmmm... his disappearance is rather... mysterious..."
"Well la-di-freakin' da... GO AWAY!!!" Outburst said rather grumpily.
And of course, Jo didn't stop there...
She came across a very odd scene. Jean Grey was talking to herself. Rather, she was having an argument with herself about who's hair was better.
-=That can't be right...=- thought Jo. -=Unless... oh, she's got a twin. How unlikely is that...=- She walked up to the pair, both had very well done hair.
"Not a chance, Maddy... there is no way in HELL I'm putting you up for a while.."
"Come on, Jean... only for a couple of weeks."
Jo intersected. "Did you know that the chances of identical twins are.."
"SHE'S NOT MY TWIN!!!"
"...huh?"
Jean sighed. "Madelyn here is my clone. A poor imitation of me."
"HA! I was made far superior to you, Jeannie-gal!!!"
"Yer nothin' but a test tube baby on crack!"
"BITCH!"
"HO!"
"SLUT!!"
"WANNA-BE!!!"
Jo put up her hands between them.
"Citizens, please... this can all be sorted out... "
Maddy looked at Jo, then back at Jean. "Citizens? Who is this lunatic?"
"Average Jo. She arrived last night, trying to arrest me for throwing some guys in the pool."
"But you do that all the time."
"I know... but she didn't. She's not quite right in the head."
"'bout as sharp as a circle, huh?"
"Yup."
Jo coughed.
"A-hem... as a matter of statistics, it is a fact that 62% of blondes actually do score a less than average IQ, so in fact, neither of you should be any smarter than I..."
Jean and Maddy regarded each other, *weg*ed, balled up their fists, pulled back, and simultaneously punched Jo square in the face.
When she came to, she was alone in the yard, face up on the grass. She got up and staggered a bit, her chin and cheeks aching from the blow Jean and Madelyn gave her.
"Wha' happened?" She rubbed her jaw, then turned toward the mansion where there was voices coming from the meeting room. She straigtened up, and headed in.
"And as you can see by the reports of the last fiscal year," Blackfire continued "By saving the money from all the coupons we've used, we can easily throw one HELL of a New Year's party this year."
"YOU PEOPLE ARE MAD!!!" Jo screamed.
The XMBB (save for Loki and Skippy) turned their heads with quizzical looks on their faces.
"This is a new revelation?" Cyclops asked.
"Actually, we happen to be quite sane," Mufasa said. "We're just different from you."
"I'LL SAY YOU ARE!!!!!! YOU'RE ALL INSANE!!"
Blaze raised his hand. "Hey y'ever find ya sidekick?"
At that moment (almost seemingly on cue), Skippy and the Cliche Kid walked around the corner... Skippy drunk out of his mind, and the kid laughing with a wide grin on his face.
"Where have you been?" Jo was livid. The kid happily showed off his shirt. It was light blue, and had large red block letters that said...
"I SURVIVED A LAP DANCE AT PABLO'S PORN PALACE!!!"
Jo's jaw dropped and she staggered against the wall.
"This isn't happening... it's not normal.."
"THis is normal... for us." Blackfire stated matter-of-factly.
"No no no no no...."
Suddenly, a figure ran up to Jo and threw it's arms around her.
"COUSIN JO!!!!!"
"L-L-L-LOKI???"
MG stood up. "Loki? You know this... weirdo?"
"Yup! This is my cousin Jorileia."
"Your cousin? Funny, I can't see the two of you related..."
"Neither could she. She ditched about 10 years back. Said the family wasn't 'normal' enough."
Jo was now beating her head against a wall. "nononononononononono"
Mufasa and Dark Claw stood up and took hold of the slightly maddened Jo.
"Don't worry, darlin'... we're just gonna make sure you're nice and secure, then we'll get you some help..."
They led her down to the holding area and locked her up.
"And ya didn't throw away the key??" MG whined.
Chapter 4 (AKA the epilogue)
That evening...
Dark Claw and Marvel Girl were cuddled up on the couch watching TV, and discussing the events of the past 24 hours.
"Did ya really have to hit her, hun?"
"Yes. Ironically, she's the only thing Maddie and I could ever agree on."
"Yeah well, nothing like a psycho to bring two people together... Why did Venom just pop into my head?"
"Ugh, don't even. Ya gotta admit, she was the weirdest person on the planet."
"Definitely. She wanted to be normal a tad to much."
"It's too bad she didn't see the truth."
***author's note--- you now hear sappy violin/piano music in the background... think father daughter moment on Full House minus Bob Saget***
"There is no normal. Each of us is different in our own way."
"Ah, too true, hun... I mean, I've got claws, a lead pipe..."
"And I've got you, forget the powers..."
"Gee, thanx..."
"Just kidding... you know, it's been forever since we've had a nice quiet evening, just the two of us..."
"Yeah, for a change..."
They had just leaned in a little closer, when
*SCREEEEECH CRUNCH*
"THAT WAS NOT MY VIOLIN!!!!! HAWKEYE, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!!!!"
"*sigh* here we go again..."
TA DAAAAA!!!!!!
My 2AM rant is over... you may now return to your regularly scheduled programming...
MG
tGq!
I HAVE COME HERE TO CHEW BUBBLE GUM AND KICK ASS... and I'm all outta bubble gum....*WEG*
--MG, tGq!